Why Do We Compare Suffering?

The temptation to compare pain is strong. Brittany Lee Allen points to why we do this, and how we can take another path.

Elisa

Why Do We Compare Suffering?

by Brittany Lee Allen

On a warm afternoon, I paced in our backyard between the turquoise chair on the patio and the bricks lining our hill. The sun warmed my neck as black-capped chickadees darted to the nearby feeder, studying me as if eavesdropping on my phone call. I hung up and sat down on the bricks as if the heaviness of my heart forced my body down.

Well-meaning, yet hurtful words swam around in my mind. I tried to shake off the sting. But it wasn’t the first time that someone had compared the loss of my babies to the suffering of another, and I was weary of it.

“At least you can get pregnant.” “At least you can adopt.” “At least your baby died early.” “At least you can try again.”

What I heard underneath these words was, “Your babies don’t matter. This isn’t a real loss. Why are you so sad?”

Over and over again, I was left isolated, feeling like the death of my babies meant nothing—that my grief was meaningless, my tears unfounded when compared to someone else’s pain.

Though not intended, comparing suffering can be deeply hurtful to the person enduring it.

And yet, I know I too am guilty of comparing lots in life. In pride, I have looked down on others when they have lamented trials I deem as minimal. I have also fallen prey to the lie that because someone I know is suffering severely, the hardness of my trial is rendered invalid. How could I lament my chronic stomach pain when people around me are dying of cancer?

Still this lie lurks in other places. It sneaks out in the chiding “just wait until . . .” that we hear at our morning playdate or at a family gathering. How often have you heard a married woman declare to a single lady who longs for a husband, “Just wait until you’re married. It’s hard”? It’s not that the single woman doesn’t believe her; it’s just that being single is hard too.

Are “just wait” or “at least” comments helpful to the women around us? Why do we feel an impulse to one-up or sugarcoat the suffering of other women rather than providing true comfort through Christ?

If harmful comparison undergirds our conversations with the hurting, we will only offer false hope, invalidation, and isolation to our sisters.

It’s not hard to decipher how the diminishing of someone’s sorrow might lead our sisters into isolation. If a wife is struggling with how much her husband travels for work and hears “at least you have a husband,” she may begin to feel like she should keep quiet about her need for support. The intent behind such a statement assumes that because she admitted her discouragement, she must not be grateful for what she has. Her suffering is also rendered less valid than that of a widow or a woman longing to be married.

Do you see how harmful this is? The woman whose suffering is regarded as less bleak may feel as though her pain and grief isn’t valid and therefore, she likely won’t reach out for help. Instead of receiving the encouragement she desires, she hides her pain from others.

All of us need other Christians as we walk through suffering. God has made the body of believers to work together, upholding the hurting, the weak, and the downcast (1 Cor. 12:12–27). We need the encouragement of other believers to make it through the thorny trail of trials.

Let’s cultivate spaces where both the woman with a terminal illness and the woman battling severe fatigue both feel free to ask for prayer in the very same group. The pain of the first woman does not nullify the pain of the second. Both women should be met with grace, prayer, hearts seeking to understand, and believers who are willing to walk the path of suffering with them. After all, this is what Christ does for us.

The gospel pushes us to offer true encouragement through Jesus rather than platitudes or forcing a “bright side” to every trial. Instead of saying, “at least you have a mom” when someone shares about their difficult parental relationship, we are free to simply listen, seek wisdom from the Holy Spirit, and offer the hope that the God of all comfort is with them in their pain.

Jesus shows us a better way of relating to those around us who are walking through hard circumstances. He also shows us that instead of finding hope in the fact that our circumstances could be worse, we can acknowledge our pain, grieve our losses, and lament our suffering all while looking to the one who suffered most.

Adapted from Free to Weep: Finding the Courage to Grieve and Embracing the God Who Heals by Brittany Lee Allen. (©2026) Published by Moody Publishers. Used with permission.

Brittany Lee Allen lives in Ohio with her husband and their two boys. They are members of Centerville Christian Fellowship, where she serves in the Women’s Ministry. She is the author of Free to Weep: Finding the Courage to Grieve and Embracing the God Who Heals  and Lost Gifts: Miscarriage, Grief, and the God of All Comfort, and writes for various online ministries.Connect with Brittany on her website - https://brittleeallen.com/