Crucifying Perfection

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4 hours ago
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How do we conquer perfectionism? Nicole Massie Martin offers a surprising answer.

Elisa

Crucifying Perfection

By Dr. Nicole Massie Martin

I was thirteen years old the day perfection wooed me. In hindsight, it probably called to me years before, but I was only able to greet it on this particular day. It was a clear, windy, spring Sunday morning at my grandmother’s house in Pittsburgh, and we were going to be late for church. Morning Star Baptist Church was only a block away from the house, so all we had to do was walk right down the hill and we’d be at the front doors.

My mom and grandmother were calling us from downstairs because we had to be on time; we were “volun-told” to lead praise and worship at the start of the service. My sister nearly tumbled down the stairs, chiding me as she went, reminding me of the fire that was waiting to consume me from the mouths of my mother and grandmother if I didn’t hurry down the stairs behind her. I should have gone downstairs. I should have followed the examples of those who went before me and listened to the advice from my younger sister. But I could not go down; not yet. Not until my bangs were perfect.

You see, this was the 1980s when “mall bangs” were done just right by girls and women of all races and ethnicities. From Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune to Whitney Houston herself, everyone who was anyone wore mall bangs. You had to have the right amount of height on the top layer bang, often swooped over like a tidal wave to the side, held just right by a light haze of Aqua Net hair spray. Everything: every hair, every part, every wisp had to be just right, and I stood there, in the hallway mirror at Grandma’s house making sure it was exactly as it should be. I stood there, making sure my mall bangs looked just like Teen magazine … until I heard my mother’s footsteps behind me.

I could see her image rising in my mind with fabled plumes of smoke emerging from her nostrils and mythical fire on her tongue. With each step up the stairs, she demanded to know what I was doing, why I was still here, what was wrong with me, and had I lost my mind, all in one breath. I explained to my mother that I needed my bangs to be perfect for church. Those were the exact words that tumbled carelessly from my mind to my mouth before I could catch them.

As popular as they were, maybe your first taste of perfection didn’t come from visions of having the perfect bangs or hair like mine did. Perhaps your first encounter came from realizing a perfect score in a video game or getting a perfect grade on a school assignment.

Like Goldilocks, we often meander through our childhood experiences, never quite satisfied with things that are too hot or too cold, only to discover a category in life called “perfect.” When the conditions are just right or the game is played just right or the outcome is achieved just right, we begin our tantalizing journey towards the illusion of perfection. Early in life, we understand perfection as a destination. We think, When I achieve this, I will have reached perfection, or When I get to this point, I will arrive at perfection.

Perfectionism is a jealous, empty consumption. Because of the strength of its pull, the only way to correct perfectionism is to crucify it. We must nail to the cross that which seeks to engulf us. For some already held by the grip of the flawless, the fear of killing what we think makes us better can be overwhelming. You may be thinking, If I let go of this image of what is perfect, even if it doesn’t exist, won’t I succumb to imperfection? Won’t I give in to what is subpar? If I stop striving for what is perfect, won’t I cease to exist?

Perfection is not about results but about redemption. The greatest gift you can ever receive is the gift of knowing you are loved by God, not because of what you’ve done but simply for who you are. God loves you, flaws and all, and the invitation to crucify perfection is the invitation to become immersed in God’s unfailing love.

Rev. Dr. Nicole Massie Martin holds degrees from Vanderbilt University, Princeton Theological Seminary, and Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. She is the Chief Operating Officer at Christianity Today and founder and Executive Director of Soulfire International Ministries. She is an accomplished writer and author, serves on various boards and councils, and leads the Grow Ministry at Kingdom Fellowship AME Church in Maryland. Her most recent book is Nailing It: Why Successful Leadership Demands Suffering and Surrender. She and her husband, Mark, are proud parents to two amazing daughters.